CTRL-ALT-DELETE

CTRL-ALT-DELETE lyrics

Official lyrics for “CTRL-ALT-DELETE” by Festival Guy.

[Intro] Yeah… Uh huh… Booting up… KRRRSHHHHHH—beeeeeeeeeeeeep… You know the sound.

[Verse 1] Mom said: “Boy, go learn some skills.” I learned CTRL-ALT-DELETE while avoiding all the bills. LimeWire viruses, toolbars by the ton, Computer overheating, still I never used “run.”

First thing I learned? How to clear browser history. Second thing I learned? Human anatomy. Third thing I learned? How to close the tabs fast— Grandma walking down the hallway? MOVE YOUR ASS.

I was twelve years deep in a swivel chair throne, Downloading JPEGs on a Gateway at home. One hand on the mouse, one eye on the door, Windows XP— man, what a time to be poor.

[Pre-Chorus] I didn’t know coding, didn’t know art, Didn’t know spreadsheets, didn’t know charts— But I knew where the search bar was.

[Hook] If it weren’t for porn, I wouldn’t know how to use a computer! Wouldn’t know tabs, wouldn’t know files, wouldn’t know nothin’ ‘bout routers! If it weren’t for porn, I’d still type with one finger slow! Now I troubleshoot Wi-Fi like a goddamn professional.

Whoa-oh-oh… Thank you, weird internet. Whoa-oh-oh… I’m emotionally in debt.

[Verse 2] Learned copy-paste from a suspicious website, Learned antivirus after a horrible night. Learned incognito mode, learned system restore, Learned “DO NOT CLICK” on a popup that says MORE.

I survived Kazaa, I survived the worms, I survived fifty-seven browser search terms. Whole family computer making terrifying sounds, Dad screaming: “WHY’S THE DESKTOP UPSIDE DOWN?”

Dial-up romance, pixelated desire, CPU fan screaming like it’s physically tired. Meanwhile me? Little gremlin online, Eating cold pizza crust at like 2:49.

[Pre-Chorus] Didn’t know taxes, didn’t know stocks, But I could uninstall malware faster than a Fox.

[Hook] If it weren’t for porn, I wouldn’t know how to use a computer! Wouldn’t know cache, wouldn’t know RAM, wouldn’t know how to reboot her! If it weren’t for porn, I’d still fear every download link— Now I’m fixing printers while I quietly overthink.

Whoa-oh-oh… Bless the digital age. Whoa-oh-oh… And the shame and rage.

[Bridge – spoken] Some people learned computers through school… Some through engineering… Some through Silicon Valley startups…

And some of us… heard a modem scream at midnight and said: “This is my path.”

[Breakdown] KRRRSHHHHHHH— YOU’VE GOT MAIL.

Bass drop.

Late night glow from the monitor light, Tiny little goblin in the middle of the night. History deleted, soul defeated, Mountain Dew warm and flat— Still somehow… I.T. certified after that.

[Final Hook] If it weren’t for porn, I wouldn’t know how to use a computer! Wouldn’t know networks, wouldn’t know drives, wouldn’t know optical shooters! If it weren’t for porn, I’d probably still own a fax machine— Now I explain VPNs to the sales support team.

Whoa-oh-oh… Modern humanity. Whoa-oh-oh… Built on degeneracy.

[Outro] Connecting… Connecting… Connected.

Welcome to the internet.